Sometimes.

Sometimes this is not all its cracked up to be.

You have some ups, and a lot of downs.  Your self confidence is not ALWAYS through the roof.  I hit that point last night.  All day I was pumped, until I sat down and tried to draw a dress to make for the 22nd.  It just did not match the idea in my head.  My drawings never do. I am not a PERFECT artist, but I make due and sometimes it makes me sad when I cant be perfect.  But I just have to take a step back and take a mental break.

So, I slept.


No, things arent always perfect, but in my dream I came up with such a better design and also helped me to realize how I wanted to make it come alive.  So here is the deal ladies and gents...

Dont freak out because things arent perfect.  
You can make something so much better if you dont let yourself get flustered and you just step back for a minute.  Being upset isnt worth it when you have so much talent to use and show people.  Just breathe.


BREATHE.


And listen to Katy Perrys song 'Who Am I Living For' it will really help you out.


Jessie

This Could Be The Start

Of something newwwww..  Yeah okay I am not a pop artist.

It has also been 3.5 million years since I have written here.

Lets do a 10 second catchup

Moved to Michigan. Went to GVSU for premed.  Failed Bio 3 times.  Got 3 new jobs (a total of FOUR jobs total).  Became an OS at Steak n Shake.  Left being an OS.  Crappy Mormon.  Gay.

Okay you are alllll caught up.

Without going into all that, heres the news.

How many of you have heard of the show 'Design Star'? Well, they are holding auditions July 22 in Chicago. Who will be there? Oh you know only about 300 people.
Oh yeah, and ME. YEAH. ME.


I have to make 7 peices to bring with me. So far how many do I have? ONE.  This is getting serious.

Also, do you know its difficult to make clothes without a mannequin? Especially pants.  So this is what ends up happening.

Yeah. I become the mannequin.

Alright.  Dream big!

Jessie.

OH YEAH. I go by Jessie now :)

One big step for Jessica kind

ALERT ALERT


I deleted my Facebook account.

Crazy huh? I spend SO much useless time on there. Everybody I talk to I have their phone number, lets be real.  What did I do when I didnt have facebook? Oh yeah! I talked to people in person. haha!  I need to focus on my finals, and on my portfolio.  I can accomplish SO much without facebook.  I cant imagine the free time I am now going to have.  Plus my phone bill might go down for data overage.

I am already have FB withdrawls.  Which shows me I really needed to do this.  There is no point in facebook.  Its one big creeper website turning into having porn.  The pictures some people put up. GROSS.

Well. yes.

This is my big announcement.

What can ya do.

Nothing. That is right. You cant force the universe to go your way, or force yourself to love everything you try.

I had a job call me, but because I don't LIVE in LA, and cant just drop school right now and start for them, I wasn't able to get the job.  It really stinks being shot down for something you cant really control.  I cant just up and move to LA and hope that maybe something could come up.  That's not how it works.  I cant leave Utah, and schooling for something that is unsure.  That could possibly leave me in the dirt with nothing.  I am scared.  I am lost.  I am NOT alone.  I have God, I have my family, I have my friends, and everyone else around me that loves me and supports me no matter what my life choices are.  They let me choose, they let me be myself.  There is NOTHING more that I could ask for.. (except maybe to design a dress for Cher).  I am kind of discouraged and scared that I am doing something stupid when I have a good thing going here.  I don't want to screw up my life and future and everything I have worked for.  I do not want to fail.

I DO NOT WANT TO FAIL.

I want to crawl into a hole.

After sending out about 15 resumes, I realized. OH. I am sending out the one that is not as pretty and great and perfect as the other.

this is when you say "WHAT...!"

Yes. FANTASTIC. No wonder I am not getting emails back. Those people are like

"omg. this girl is SO dumb, she sent us THIS? She HAS to have something better.  This is like a COLLEGE resume that she did for a class to get an A.  How stupid does she think we are?"

As I sit in my corner like NOOOOOO!!!!! and of course I cannot just email them back like

"Wow! Sorry I am so dumb and unprepared and STUPID that I sent you that resume. Here is the actual one.. Oh and i promise that I will be a GREAT candidate for this position.."

YEAH RIGHT

UGH!!!!

At that moment I really badly wanted to go crawl in a hole and sink.  Even a REALLY deep staircase would be been effeicient.  Looking back now, theres this unknown stair situation by the cafeteria I eat at, called the Junction.  I very well could have gone down there, its exactly hole like.  It has all of the qualifications needed.
It is dark, deep, really scary, unknown, I have never seen anyone use it, and it is probably full of spider and cat poop.  It would have been great.  Well... as great as crawling in a hole and sinking could be when your sitting in a dark abyss full of poop from the annoying cats that just meow at night and make you want to throw something at them like an anchor or an anvil.  Maybe even a boulder or my bed would do too.

I need a job. I have 3 weeks until school is over, and I will start summer classes. Maybe I will take some beginner business class crap so I can be a little more knowledge about the whole business part instead of just drawing pictures and measuring hot models.

Anyway. My life as of right now, well 3 weeks. is ONE. HUGE. ?(QUESTION MARK! and I dont like it!!

One Jessica for sale. Take it? Leave it?

So I am not sure how many people know that applying for jobs REALLY stinks.  You are trying to market yourself to an employer that you find interesting, to me, its like a higher class business prostitution deal.

It goes something like this :

Me:   Hi Mr. Business man sir. I can do the following things... for a salary of this... I have a great personality, and the following personal strengths. Want me?
Him: Oh okay, well I really want someone with more experience, but I guess we could teach you how to do it.

Me: OKAY!!! THANKS FOR THE OPPORTUNITY!

See? High class prostitution. But I am okay with this. Maybe I need to put sequins and wigs on my portfolio to make is more attractive. Or look more cheap, people like cheap prostitutes.

Rambling on = me.

So, as of right now I have applied for a total of 15 jobs. UGH. Yes, it makes me want to puke. I really hate sending generic, Hi, I saw your job posting on.... website and am interested in this position. Here is my online portfolio and attached is my resume.. but what else can I say? Hi my name is jessica my favorite color is pink, I dont really know anything about your company, I just want to learn, whats your name? any animals? How do you feel about Cher?
I have a feeling I wouldnt be getting a return email if I said that.

Today I am having a phone meeting with my FIDM career advisor in hope of her going "holy crap! You are a fashion GENIUS!! We can get you in anywhere! Bob Mackie? DONE!" and me coming out with a job paying me 75,000 a year. Sounds like a plan to me? Right? I thought so.

We will see how this goes! Luck wishing needs to be happening PLEASE.

Good news bears!

I got my first freelance job last night!  I did a few things for Hot Topic.  It felt so good to get back into CADing. After 3 months of not touching Illustrator, there were a few struggles and flusters. Overall, after I got used to it again (after about an  hour) I was able to pump out some pretty cool things for them.  I get to put it in my portfolio, which is a definite plus.

MY PORTFOLIO

I am excited to get the check for that, its my first paying fashion gig!!

I can honestly say I am at the start of getting somewhere.

More like I am shutting my door and walking to the car, I am not quite in, and I have no idea how to drive, but I am out the door and moving my feet!

Love! Jessica